No there is not a happy me all the time

I have the post holiday blues. Yes, I know I am lucky and fortunate to be able to go on holiday, many people cannot, so some people may think that this is just a twine. Well, technically I suppose it is.

However, I do have quite a long history of depression and mental illness. It is not just a case of ‘snap out of it’, if I could I would. Do you think I like feeling like this? My sleep patterns go to hell on a handcart, I get anxiety attacks and dreams, my get up and go, gets up and goes and I self harm. It has gotten so bad that I have tried to kill myself in the past. Yes, I have asked for help and gone to some CBT sessions but as lovely as the councillor was I felt worse after them so I stopped going.

I am lucky to have the support of a very patient husband and some very good friends, who over the last couple of years have been there for me; even when I was about two questions from being sectioned by my GP.

So please excuse me while I am not showing the happy mask that I normally wear. Don’t ask me what’s wrong, I can’t really explain it and it’s annoying. Quite frankly wearing the mask all the time is really tiring, like an actor never being able to stop playing a role. Sometimes I can’t even tell who the real me is occasionally.

Oh and world, please stop fighting and generally being shite to each other, you are not helping either!

Moist List

If you are a listener to the British Tech Network, you may have heard about my ‘moist’ list. Some of these have with voices that just make me melt, some its the whole package, some are just plain funny; but I won’t say who is who!

Here is it as of this date (no particular order):

1. Robert Falck, @streakmachine,, tech bunny.

2. Mark. A. Sheppard, @Mark_Sheppard, actor

3. Tom Hiddleston, @twhiddleston, actor

4. Paul Wright, @paulums, tech bunny

5. Orlando Bloom, Actor

6. Phillip Schofield, @Schofe, TV presenter (childhood dreamboat, still wouldn’t say no)

7. Jeff Gamet, @jgamet, tech bunny

8. Hugh Jackman, actor

9. Stephen Fry, @stephenfry, actor, writer, tv presenter

10. Mischa Collins, @mishacollins, actor and philanthropist

Stages of Deterioration in the Human Body

Please feel free to correct me on any of these. (Originally found on Tumblr)

The Moment Of Death: 
1. The heart stops.
2. The skin gets tight and ashen in color.
3. All the muscles relax.
4. The bladder and bowels empty.
5. The body temperature begins to drop 1 1/2 degrees Fahrenheit per hour.

After 30 minutes: 
6. The skin gets purple and waxy.
7. The lips, fingernails, and toenails fade to a pale color.
8. Blood pools at the bottom of the body.
9. The hands and feet turn blue.
10. The eyes sink into the skull.

After 4 hours: 
11. Rigor mortis has set in.
12. The purpling of the skin and the pooling of the blood continue.
13. Rigor continues to tighten muscles for another 24 hours or so.

After 12 hours: 
14. The body is in full rigor mortis.

After 24 hours: 
15. The body is now the temperature of the surrounding environment.
16. In males, the semen dies.
17. The head and neck are now a greenish-blue color.
18. The greenish-blue color spreads to the rest of the body.
19. There is a pervasive smell of rotting meat.

After 3 days: 
20. The gas in the body tissues forms large blisters on the skin.
21. The whole body begins to bloat and swell grotesquely.
22. Fluids leak from the mouth, nose, vagina, and rectum.

After 3 weeks: 
23. The skin, hair, and nails are so loose they can easily be pulled off the corpse.
24. The skin bursts open on many places on the body.
25. Decomposition will continue until the body is nothing but skelital remains, a process that can take a month or so in hot climates, and two months or more in cold climates.

A few jokes to lighten your day

Warning these ‘jokes’ may make you groan or run for your sanity. Don’t say you haven’t been warned.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time….

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to
our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can
get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could
check her balance, so I pushed her over.Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you
believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my
Bagpipes.
Paddy says “Mick, I’m thinking of buying a Labrador .”Bugger that”
says Mick “have you seen how many of their owners go blind?”
My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my
girlfriend yet …. I’m still pursuing her.
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at
the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid…….then I was petrified.
My husband has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all his clothes back.

The Barn Owl Story

I have recently tweeted out about the fact that one of my greatest achievements is rescuing a ‘Depressed Bulimic Barn Owl’. This may have confused a few people so since the tale cannot be done in 140 characters, here is the story.

On a cold drizzly October Friday morning I was on my way to work. I work at a local FE college and my class started at 8.30am (yes it is a bad time). So every morning I go down a local by-pass, always within the speed limit of course!, and was about 3/4 of the way along when I noticed by the central barrier a soggy looking barn owl sat there.

My brain went ‘that’s not right’.

At the same time a police car went by….. did they stop or do what I did did they heck as like. Now I think the job the police do is a shite one, but this was the first time that they have ignored a job. The second time when I broke down on a very busy roundabout and they ignored me.

So, back to my tale. I drove onto the roundabout at the bottom of the by-pass, went around it, back down the other way of the road, went around the roundabout at the top and back onto my original destination. Now having to drive in the ‘fast lane’ slowing down to slow speed, with your hazards on’ to stop and pick up a barn owl WILL get you honked at.

I stopped and got out of the car and went to the barn owl. This rescueing has now got me to carry in my car an  ‘animal rescue kit’ : animal carry case, blankets, thick leather gloves. So I carefully picked up the owl, placed in well of car and drove to work.

At work I collected a small box from the reprographics room and placed said owl in that. Judith who works in there was alright with the owl when she thought it was alive, but considering that it wasn’t moving much, then decided that it was dead and jumped about 6 feet back. When I stated that if it was dead it wasn’t going to attack her, she did feel a bit silly. So if you are following me, owl is now safety in blanket in box. Up I trot to the engineering department staff room. The only person in at that time is Kay my boss.

Looking at the box with a quizzical eye, I explained what had happened. Luckily she knows me  so really didn’t bat an eyelid about my exploits. We devised a plan of attack, first of all try and contact the World Owl Trust, which is located at Muncaster. At that time of the morning there was no answer. Onto plan B, phone up the RSPCA.

Now I really respect the work that the RSPCA inspectors and re-homing centres do. However, the people who man their call centre do not give a hoot about animals in my opinion. They must work in a call centre that is not only for the RSPCA but probably other companies as well. I had a bit of a barny with the person on the phone who actually asked me ‘Why didn’t you just leave it on the side of the road in the rain?’. When he did decide to try and be helpful he stated that the RSPCA would not do anything and there was no inspectors available. He did state that he could give me a vets number so I could take it there. When I said that it was not necessary I would take it to my own, which was closer and opened earlier, he really then got all jobsworth about taking details down etc.

I looked over at my boss and explained that I would have to take it to my local vets as the RSPCA were about as much use as a chocolate teapot. It was now 8.20am and my class started in 10 mins. Kay, being the star that she is, informed me that she would cover my class and that I was to take owl to my vets. Off I went.

I arrived at the vets, with said owl and they took it in. It survived the day when I called back later, they didn’t think it would. Round one to the owl. Over the weekend, one of the fab vets took the owl home and cared for it. When I called back on Monday I was informed that it has survived the weekend and could the vet call me back. I agreed.

Later on that afternoon I was called by Alison, the vet who had looked after the owl, and asked if I could take it to Knoxwood Animal Rescue centre as the vets had contacted them and they had agreed to take in the owl. The vets could not get there due to work commitments etc. I agreed to the 70 mile round trip. So at the end of the working day, off I pop to Egremont, pick up an owl and take it to a rescue centre.

You think it ends there …. oh no.

A few days after I dropped it off I gave Knoxwood a call to see how it was getting on. It was at this time I discovered that Barn Owls can get depressed and just give up on life, especially if their mate had died. Also, when they had tried to feed it the normal amount at normal feeding time spans, it threw up the food. So they had to feed it small amounts every hour. Hence the Depressed Bulimic Barn Owl. About two weeks later they gave me a call to say that it it started to eat normally and was a bit happier so they moved it in the the aviary for winter. When I called back in the spring, it had survived winter and had been released back into the wild. So all in all a happy tale.

So all if you can, please go to http://www.knoxwood.org/ and support this worthy local charity, it is family run and desperatly need your help so that more animals can be looked after.